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Jan. 26th, 2008

You know what, it really sucks having a boyfriend who is so nice =( I know that sounds like a retarded thing to say, but right now its true

We went and played air hockey this afternoon, and arcade games, and we went to Burger King for dinner, and ate it in the car. And then Spud (don't ask) started texting. She wanted a lift to fucking Reading to go and break up with her boyfriend. And of course David said yes. That was at about 8.30. He wouldn't let me go with them coz Spud is funny about people, and he said then he could drive really fast to get back here, which he never does when I'm in the car coz I don't like it. And he says yeh ring me in an hour and a half, I should be on my way back. Which I knew he wouldn't, because I remember that night with Krissie and her stupid mate. And he wonders why I didn't want him to go?

And there's something I don't trust about Spud. She's always nice enough, don't get me wrong, but I don't like the way she's all touchy feely with David. It's so inappropriate to be like that with someone elses boyfriend, especially when I'm standing right there. I don't like the idea of them being alone in his car, if shes upset, and he has to look after her. It's not his fucking job to look after her. After he left to go and pick her up I came into the house and slammed all the doors and just went to bed and cried. Because instead of being with me, he's out looking after someone elses girlfriend. Incredibly selfish and paranoid as it sounds, I don't give a fuck, shes not my friend, and if I ever find out she tried something or something happened with them, I will fucking kill her. That is genuinely how I feel right now

And before all this, driving to the arcade, David just casually drops into the conversation that he'll be emigrating to New Zealand in a year. Just like that. And says "Oh you're welcome to come along if you want." What the fuck is that? That's not "I'm emigrating in a year and I would really like you to come with me" thats "I'm emigrating in a year - bye". That's not a fucking invitation, that's an afterthought to be polite. It's not like saying "Oh I'm going to the pub later, you're welcome to come if you want." It's not what you say when you've just told your girlfriend you're leaving the fucking country for fucking ever

I really really want to cut myself tonight, more than I have done in the whole of the last year when I haven't done anything like that at all. I feel like I'm gonna cry again in a minute

2008 so far

I've been so bad at updating lately, I'd like to say it's because I've been busy - I haven't. I'm just lazy

New Years Eve kind of sucked - it was ok, but I've had better nights. Just went out pubbing it in Staines with Hannah, her boyfriend Andy, and her friend from College, Laura (who I vaguely remember). But halfway through the night, Laura was really insistent we go for a joint down by the river. Which would be fine on any other boring night, I'm usually up for a smoke (note - if I don't smoke that joint I've got rolled upstairs soon it will be vile) but I mean it was New Years Eve for crying out loud. Plus it was raining, and I'd spent ages straightening my hair, which really pissed me off, because it was no longer straight. But she was so insistent on it, like she couldn't get through the evening without it. Which was a bit scary to be honest. But we eventually went to the Hobgoblin, which had much more life than the Phoenix had had, but not so much that it was packed to the rafters and you couldn't get a drink. At midnight I spent time on the phone to my Mum, David (he was working) and Dan. It was quite funny, Dan being in New York, because when it was midnight here it was only 7pm there, I was like oh you're so last year Dan!! Hehehehe

I finally told David I loved him. I told him on New Years Day when I saw him. It felt good to say it at last. I haven't seen him since last Saturday though =( We had lunch with Jo and James (they came to Staines) but then in the afternoon he had to disappear because he was working in the evening. Monday he was sleeping, Tuesday he was doing something in Guildford for Rex, Wednesday his Grandad got taken into hospital, and he's been there and at his grandparents house ever since I think. His grandad has already had other types of cancer before, but this time he's got bone cancer, which I don't think they can treat at all really =( Its horrible, he's so close to his grandad as well. He's hardly even spoken to me this week, because he's been at the hospital (can't have his phone on) and because he just won't speak to me about it. It's not like I don't understand, I had 5 grandparents originally (don't ask) and I knew them all, I've only got one left now, so I know what it's like. But he won't speak to me about it =( Hopefully I'll see him today or tomorrow, fingers crossed

Works going ok. My contracts been extended til the end of March, and after our meeting with Debbie on Friday about the amount of extra work coming our way, I'm hoping they'll extend it again. They're trying to persuade me I want to go on a 2 day trip to Birmingham for some recruitment/CHRIMSON thing, but I really don't want to. Unless I can persuade David to come, then he can drive me, and we get to stay in a hotel together ;) I'll have to go to this stupid thing during the day, but I presume in the evening we're free to do what we want. We'll see. Apart from that, its all ok

Hoping by the end of this month I can book my flight to New York (if David gives me my 80 quid back) when I get paid. I haven't been on holiday for almost 5 years and dammit this year I'm going! Plus I haven't seen Dan since September, I really do miss him. I wish he could meet David, but David won't come to New York, so I doubt he will until September when he's back in the UK. Unless David's woken up and dumped me by then........ =S

Boredom

I am so incredibly bored.........

David was meant to be coming over, but after spending all day pissing about with Neil he's decided he's doing some DJ-ing or whatever tonight. If he had just said in the first place he was working I wouldn't have spent all day looking forward to seeing him, I would have spent all day looking forward to seeing him tomorrow......

Christmas was good, he did come over to my Mum's then, and to my Dad's on Boxing Day

But I'm just so bored!! Been on the phone to Sticky all night, she's bored too, and stuck fucking miles away in Scotland. She was saying how bored she was, and she was like if we were together we'd go out and get fucking hammered and do stupid things! And we would too. Might crack open a beer just out of boredom. I wish we weren't so far apart, I miss her. I miss Dan too, I wish he wasn't in New York, it wouldn't be so bad if he was back in London, could just get the train up there and crash at his, and we'd go on a bender in Soho....... I miss those days =(

Might just go to bed and watch a film. Bought Chicago, The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, Marie Antoinette, A Clockwork Orange and In Which We Serve yesterday, I've seen A Clockwork Orange and In Which We Serve before, so maybe Marie Antoinette?

God I'm bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored..............

Another thought........

I could be incredibly lazy and copy-cat like and simply edit and embellish my LJ, and as is so popular at the moment, publish it as a book, instead of actually being arsed to write a book.......

Hmmmmm. An interesting thought for me to go to bed with

PPS. My sister has huskie puppies. They are 9 weeks old and completely adorable! If I get pictures they will definitely be on here!

Crack open the champagne!

Ok so I haven't written in a while, just been distracted with things, and lacking energy - work and the weather are so depressing right now

But one more week of work, and it's Christmas, so it's a couple of days break, and we get New Years Day off, which is fabulous! I can recover in peace, instead of in an office with the bloody phone ringing all day...... The beginning of the week was grey and miserable, and highly depressing, as was today. But the middle was very cold and crisp and frosty, and it was sunny which made the frost all sparkly - those are the kind of days winter should be made up of =)

But I had today off of work, a combination of a half day Christmas shopping privilege we get (antiquated, but damn welcome!) and some flexi time I've managed to build up. So me and Mum got up early to go into Staines and get all our Christmas shopping finished off. I think apart from wrapping paper, everything is now bought. But we left the house just before 9 this morning, and didn't get home til 5 this afternoon. God I'm shattered! But got everything done in one hit, which makes me feel relieved. My card took just a slight bashing though! I'll worry about it tomorrow

I've been incredibly stressed all week though. I was meant to get my period last Friday...... and it still had not materialised by last night. By which point I cried myself to sleep, because I was so stressed out thinking about it all day everyday, which probably wasn't helping, it was probably delaying it even further I think. I hope I haven't made too many mistakes at work this week, but my head was just totally taken up thinking about it, instead of concentrating on anything. But oh the relief this morning! I will freely admit me and David have been incredibly stupid in the last few weeks, which I wasn't entirely comfortable with, though it was totally my decision, it was hard to say no. I must learn more self control....... Hence I am going back to the doctors on Monday, after reading my helpful little leaflets about contraception (I should really read those.......). And they will give me the Pill, or inject me, or implant me, or do whatever the fuck they need to do to prevent me from having another week of stress like this! God I don't know what we would have done....... I would like to think David would stand by me, not necessarily because he wanted to, but out of a sense of morals, but it's still so early in our relationship I don't know how well we would have fared. Anyway, panic over, I'm not pregnant and David isn't going to become a Daddy just yet, so time to move on

I was watching Jonathan Ross at Dad's tonight, and Kerry Katona (ugh) was on there talking about some book with her name on, even though she didn't write it. And it gave me some fresh idea's for that book I keep planning to write, and just can't get round to starting....... All I have is some vague ideas and a list of possible character names, for no-one in particular =( I just can't motivate myself. I would like to say I don't have the time, but that's not entirely truthful...... I don't have all the time in the world, but I do have some. I just need to organise myself

I have to go to bed now, I'm shattered from so much walking and carrying heavy bags today! But I think I'll go to bed and test my new nail varnish and scribble down some ideas for my book in a notebook that will promptly be put back on the shelf and forgotten about! I should be more positive and optimistic - but I know myself, and realistically, that is what will happen! One day..........

PS. I have the urge to be all domestic and bake gingerbread men - but by tomorrow I probably won't!

Scary grown up things

I need to write some more about David though, because it's been taking up all my thoughts since Friday. It's now Tuesday. I'm going insane

It was a very rough night Friday, I can't be bothered to type all the details again, but when he dropped me home he told me he loved me. And then he told me again on the phone after my entry at 4am. So it wasn't accidental. I asked him if he really does love me - turns out he does =) But now I feel like even more of a bitch that I didn't say it back. But I find it so hard. He promised we'd talk, and we still haven't, and I want to, because I need to explain to him. But the thought of being so honest about myself to anyone else, even him, makes me very nervous to say the least. But I want to tell him, I want to say it - but I don't know if I've ever even said it to Dan or Sticky. I love them to bits, but I just can't say it out loud - the words physically won't come out. Text messages, emails, thats fine. But face to face I just can't do it =(

But I do love him. He makes me laugh, and he looks after me and cares about me, and he always does the right thing, he's so loyal and solid and steady. And even being so much taller and quite obviously sturdier than me (hello he's a man!!) I can still look after him, with head and back massages, and cuddles. And he's so big and strong, he makes me feel safe, and happy. No-one else has ever made me feel so comfortable and special, you know? Not Laura, not Stuart, certainly not Alex. And anyone who knows me knows all I want is to be looked after and be able to look after someone else, to need someone and know they need me, you know? And now I have that, and I can't believe my luck to be honest =D

But now I have to find a way of telling him all this......... It won't be easy, I can virtually guarantee I'll cry........

On a separate note, we had a night of totally amazing sex last night. Til 3am. Man I was tired at work today!! But it was amazing because it was with him =)

Monday

Goddammit man, I had such a long a detailed entry yesterday that I didn't quite get to finish, and when I got home from the pub my Mum had turned the fucking computer off and there was no saved draft. That really fucking pisses me off!!

So here is Monday in micro -

David told me he loved me on Friday night. I was too shocked to say anything, so I didn't. We still haven't talked about it yet. But I love him too.

My sister is engaged - I don't think it will work out.

Sticky had to have her cat Choppies put to sleep Sunday night - the vet's still don't quite know why. He was only about 3.


Choppies

My Mum's boss has been charged with assault. It's the latest episode in a very messy divorce in which his wife is trying to take all his money and is using their kids to do it.

So that was Monday. I'm so pissed at my mother for turning the computer off

Stupid Girl

I feel so pissed off right now. And disappointed. And meh

David picked me up from Dads tonight about midnight, because he was taking his friend Chrissy and her friend down to Liquid in Windsor. He had to pick them up later, which was fine, he was like yeh come along if you want. And I thought yeh why not, don't actually know what Liquid's like, and except for the centre Windsor's nice to drive through. We sat down by the river for a while, naming random swans that swam past hehehe. And then about 2 we drove down to pick them up

This was where all the problems began. They eventually came out of the club at almost 3, and they were both really drunk (as expected, not so good as they're only 17), especially Chrissys friend. She just mumbled into her phone most of the way back, then passed out. Chrissy wanted to go see her boyfriend, so we had to stop off in Pooley Green for like 20 minutes. By now it was 3.30am. So then we drove back to hers (she lives 5 bloody minutes away from me), and David carried her friend inside, and 5 minutes later came back out. The friend is throwing up everywhere, and so they're gonna take her to the hospital to see if she needs her stomach pumped. I mean for fucks sake. What a stupid kid

First of all, she's probably just drunk and I doubt she needs her stomach pumped - they'll probably get there and she'll have stopped throwing up and will have fallen asleep. And second of all, David hasn't stayed round here at all this week, where I've been ill, and I was really looking forward to it, to curling up together and waking up with him in the morning. And now I bet we can't do that, because they'll be there ages, and he'll just go home to sleep, which is fair enough, I don't blame him. But it's crap =(

But he always does the right thing, that's why I love him. He's so loyal, always makes sure other people are ok. That's why I'm not with them, he wouldn't let me go, because I'm tired, and still a bit ill. He told me in the car outside just now that he loves me. I didn't say it back, because I don't know if he meant to say it, and it kind of took me by surprise to be honest. And now I feel terrible, what if he's really hurt that I didn't say it? Because I think I do. I've been thinking it lately, but I didn't want to say it so soon, after only 2 months, and risk making myself look like some kind of crazy obsessive girlfriend or something. Except I did want to say it, well, I do. I always have trouble saying it though, to anyone. My Mum, Dan, Sticky - all these people and I can write it in a message, but saying it out loud has always been a problem. I just can't really do it, I don't know why, it's ridiculous. It's just 3 words. But I want to mean them when I say it, you know? Not just use them for no good fucking reason. But even when I mean it, and want to say it, it gets stuck in my throat somehow. I don't know whats wrong with me =(

Lalalalalala

Ergh I've spent the last 2 days feeling like someone's beaten 7 shades of shit out of me, so I've not been to work. I ache, I'm coughing so much its pulled all the muscles in my stomach, my chest feels really tight which makes me feel a bit breathless and faint, and my throat hurts. Thank God for antibiotics is all I can say!! And curses on David for sharing his germs with me........ He could have stayed away and not infected me, but I missed him too much =) So I suppose it's partly my fault, not that I would ever admit that to him of course!!

I broke my CD player. It was being difficult, and in my sick and feverish state I broke it (it really hurt my hand as well.......). But never mind, I'm sure I won't really miss it anyway, it's not like I ever really used it, except when I wanted music when I was in the bath. Although in the process of opening it to retrieve my CD's, I smashed the Rachel Stevens CD that was in there..... Again no big deal!!

I should really go to work tomorrow, they must be so short-staffed without Melissa this week.... Although the temp started yesterday, so maybe it's not so bad....... Oh well, only tomorrow and Friday to do, and it'll be the weekend so yay!!

I want David to come over. He's at Neil's helping him with his car atm. I really do miss him when he's not here. It's kind of scary, I didn't honestly know I cared that much!! But it would appear that I do....... Hmmmmmm. He's getting fed up with his mum bitching at him, he wants to move out. There are a few places around here that are bills included, it's immensely tempting...... But we've only been together 2 months for crying out loud, so I don't know why I'm even contemplating it....... It's his fault, when we were staying with Vicki and Vix in Canterbury the other weekend, David was like yeh I can imagine us living in a place like this...... It hadn't crossed my mind til then!! Oh I don't know, maybe I'll think about it after Xmas..... But I need to save money up to go see Dan........ And Auntie Tina...... and David wants to go see his friend Richard in New Zealand........ Oh I don't know!!

Fuck it!!

Meh

Ergh I feel so rubbish today. David's been ill all week and now he's passed his germs on to me =( I feel all achey, and I've got a headache, and even though the heating is on, I feel like I'm living in the bloody Arctic =( And it's all rainy and dark and grey outside, and its so bloody miserable today. This is just a whiny post because I feel ill and rubbish, and David's gone home to do his college work, and I want him here, we could be curled up and warm and watching a film or something. He might be back later though

We went to the pub with my sister and her gay friend Elliot last night. And Ebel came down, we pretended my sister didn't have a boyfriend to get him to come to the pub hehehe. Then coz the pub closed at 11, we went back to my sisters house, and played Sonic the Hedgehog hehehe, didn't get home til like 3 this morning. And then I woke up at 6, and kinda drifted in and out of sleep all morning coz I felt so crap, and when David woke up we watched Super Troopers, hehehe it was really funny. We went to McDonalds for lunch, I think maybe it wasn't such a good idea, I feel kinda sick. I just feel crap, and I can't be ill this week, Melissa's on holiday, which only leaves me and Sara in, I can't leave her on her own. Although they used to manage before I started working there........ We'll see. If I'm ill I'm ill, it's not my fault

I did feel kind of bad for winding Ebel up last night though. He's a bit creepy, but he's basically a nice bloke. I don't think he's as bad as David says he is sometimes. But meh, I want to go back to bed, I've got 2 jumpers on, and the heating, and I'm still freezing =( I'm not very well ='(

EDIT He's not coming over now, he just rang me, he's got too much work. That makes me sad ='(

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