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Jan. 26th, 2008

You know what, it really sucks having a boyfriend who is so nice =( I know that sounds like a retarded thing to say, but right now its true

We went and played air hockey this afternoon, and arcade games, and we went to Burger King for dinner, and ate it in the car. And then Spud (don't ask) started texting. She wanted a lift to fucking Reading to go and break up with her boyfriend. And of course David said yes. That was at about 8.30. He wouldn't let me go with them coz Spud is funny about people, and he said then he could drive really fast to get back here, which he never does when I'm in the car coz I don't like it. And he says yeh ring me in an hour and a half, I should be on my way back. Which I knew he wouldn't, because I remember that night with Krissie and her stupid mate. And he wonders why I didn't want him to go?

And there's something I don't trust about Spud. She's always nice enough, don't get me wrong, but I don't like the way she's all touchy feely with David. It's so inappropriate to be like that with someone elses boyfriend, especially when I'm standing right there. I don't like the idea of them being alone in his car, if shes upset, and he has to look after her. It's not his fucking job to look after her. After he left to go and pick her up I came into the house and slammed all the doors and just went to bed and cried. Because instead of being with me, he's out looking after someone elses girlfriend. Incredibly selfish and paranoid as it sounds, I don't give a fuck, shes not my friend, and if I ever find out she tried something or something happened with them, I will fucking kill her. That is genuinely how I feel right now

And before all this, driving to the arcade, David just casually drops into the conversation that he'll be emigrating to New Zealand in a year. Just like that. And says "Oh you're welcome to come along if you want." What the fuck is that? That's not "I'm emigrating in a year and I would really like you to come with me" thats "I'm emigrating in a year - bye". That's not a fucking invitation, that's an afterthought to be polite. It's not like saying "Oh I'm going to the pub later, you're welcome to come if you want." It's not what you say when you've just told your girlfriend you're leaving the fucking country for fucking ever

I really really want to cut myself tonight, more than I have done in the whole of the last year when I haven't done anything like that at all. I feel like I'm gonna cry again in a minute

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